Just my thoughts. All about me
I already know you're gonna release me. I know because I know you. My heart and soul know you. If you truly felt "forever" with me, you wouldn't be so quick to throw it all away. I am so sick right now and crying my ass off. Wow...Friday (if not sooner) is gonna really suck for me. If you meant forever and were just getting advise on what to do with my situation, you would've asked for help like "what should I do". Not adding a bunch of other stuff mixed in too. Like other failings. Also, you wouldn't ask if the relationship itself was even gonna happen. I am just in so much frickin pain. I just want you to call and tell me so I can cry it out and figure out where the hell I'm gonna go from here.
I also feel like I was judged a little differently. I'm sure I am not alone in that. I don't plan on letting anyone read this so I can let it flow. You dissected my 100 things, you called me frantic when orange called me a mean girl, thinking I did something wrong, just trying to "get something" on me. None of us are perfect. None of us behave perfectly all the time. But if you really love and care about someone, you work with them and try to understand them. If you want someone out, those same issues/behaviors will be deal breakers. I have never been thru anything so hard in my life. My next relationships will feel a lot easier.
I knew it would end like this. I told you I would never leave. I told you youd be the one to let go. I also told you that it takes time to get to know someone. I needed to see how you would handle disappointment with me. I wish you had left me under the bed.....I was safe....
Didn't get home til midnight. I had fun with the family and all the grandkids. It was needed to take a break from beating myself up. I also watched my parents dynamics. Really took it in. I realized I will not end up like that. Stuck. Bored. Arguing. I'm more convinced than ever that I like the lifestyle. I need it for so many things. My screw up had nothing to do with the lifestyle and everything to do with me. I've spent my whole life trying to fit in or not let people think poorly of me that I don't even know who I am. I have hid my smoking for so long and the cover ups come so naturally to me that I don't even realize I do it. I am not a person to lie or do bad things and I'm just really disappointed in myself. I learned such a valuable lesson about myself that will change a lot about me going forward. I could really use a bootcamp to deprogram my thinking and bury the old me.
Omg Reinar please forgive me. Please let me show you I'm really a good person. I don't want to lose you. I hate feeling so weak and dependant on you but I am. It just happened. Help me be a better person. Help me be my best. I just want to make you proud. I want you to need me and love me like I love you. Show me the way and I will follow. Please don't lose faith in me. Please don't feel I'm hopeless. I want to make you happy, feel secure with me and explore life with you. I have to go. Were goin to the drive in. I will reach in and be strong. I have no choice
Damn. I can't stop wanting to cry. I have to keep it together for my kids. My niece spent the night. Her and Maia gave me a fashion show last night and I had to judge it. It was all I could do to not lose it. Today they gave me a makeup show. I helped them make Barbie land but other than that, can't manage too well. Ryan is already pissing me off too. This no contact thing and waiting to see what you're going to do is killing me. Id rather have the single tail. My heart is broken. I don't want to lose you.
Omg....I feel so alone. You are in my head and in my heart. I can't imagine my life without you.
So it's been almost 3 days since we talked. I can't even describe how I feel. I'm somewhere I've never been before. I know I did wrong and I can't fix it. I wish I could more than anything but I can't. I'm so lost and confused. I want to be everything you want and I've tried so hard but I messed up. I know that. I just can't think of how I can fix it. How I can show you you can trust me and my intentions are good. There's so much going through my head right now, I can't think. I don't care about hardly anything right now because I feel like my life has just stopped right now. Everything I was spending time doing and working on a future with has just stopped. I dont imagine you'll ever read this and maybe that's a good thing, but I'm gonna do this cuz i gotta get it out or I'm gonna go insane. I feel like I am causing you so much grief and feel you'd be better off without me. I imagine Lissa is pretty worn out too. I tried to come into your home with an open heart and an open mind. I started learning about the lifestyle cuz something drew me in. The dominance, the control, the submission, the sex, the fetishes and going to the other side. I came in to try it and see if I could do it. Idk. I'm a strange mix. I've always had to look out for myself. Had a lot of messed up boyfriends that taught me not to trust and made me look out for myself. I would like to let go and give my heart and soul and self away, that's why I'm here. I am trying to shed my doing things my way and surrender myself. I am trying so hard to make you proud of me that I wasn't honest about my directive. I wont try to make excuses or give you some sob story, I just couldn't bear you being disappointed or upset with me. I wish I knew what to do but I don't. I'm just in a lot of pain right now and wish I could fix this.